I just spent two hours writing out the short version of my personal story on the artist experience. The Artist archetype that occupies my head/heart space is wounded. I can tell by the way I've resisted the process of writing (& sharing) about my journey. I could hear the inner critic the ENTIRE WAY through, from the planning portion, to the first word, to the final video recording of me reading out my passage to myself.
PHEW - That was exhausting....
I still feel the feeling lingering inside my solar plexus, right in the space of my lower ribcage and radiating into my back. HOW DEEP IS THIS WOUND? I really want to know. It's causing me some grief!
But you know what is helping ease the pain, simultaneously, as I write out these words...
The feeling of relief. The sense of accomplishment. Like, holy shit, what the fuck was I holding out on that for so long? That critic, that wound, sure as shit has some kind of power over me. Sort of like an addiction - I can call it that. It's been years of consistent shame and guilt. The consistency in the story of "my words don't matter" "you ramble too much" "keep it short and sweet - no one wants to read so much..."
I am just as attached to sharing as I am to resisting it. An interesting tug-o-war game happening in the human psyche. I know I'm not the only one. You know that either choice - to do or not to do - will foster the ability to reflect. Reflecting on the what if's or the what now's.
This last push of writing, put both of those perspectives to bed. It just HAPPENED. I have surrendered. THAT IS THE BEST FEELING EVER. Knowing about the internal battle, witnessing it's oscillations, and then succumbing (in the most graceful way) to that which wants to begin (or end - depending how you look at it.) For me, it is definitely a reflection of the death of the resistance within.
I surrender to my own storytelling with the comfort of inspiring/supporting others in the process. This isn't for me - it's for those who have had difficulties connecting to their depths; to those who have forgotten who they are or where they come from. Your Greatness lives within the stories of Self - within the challenges and strengths that have shaped you. Most of the time, it is difficult to conceptualize the present moment with the future; what is happening now and/or how the experiences affect our growth. Awareness draws us into reflection and ultimately, an understanding that supports our evolution as we expand our wisdoms for the generations to come.